January 17, 2013 - 10 Years today

Today would have been your birthday.  I can't believe I might have had a 10 year old daughter had things been different.  I found some journal entries that I wrote after we lost you and they brought tears to my eyes even now. 

January 14, 2003 was the worst day ever.  I didn't really understand pain and heartbreak until that day.  For a long time after I hated ultrasounds. The day started out with so much hope, we went shopping.  I remember, we bought a diaper bag and some socks.  I think we also picked up things for a baby shower the next month.  Then we headed over to the hospital for our first ultrasound.  It was at 24 weeks.  We were so excited.  All that excitement ended when we begged the technician to tell us what was wrong and why did we need to see our doctor.

Turned out that our daughter died sometime since our last appointment.  After speaking with the doctor, he told us that the baby had some horrible malformations that could not be predicted.  I was numb with pain.

It took nearly 30 hours to induce and deliver her.  I asked not to feel anything, and I felt everything.  She was small.  I never held her.  I have a foot print and a hand print along with some clothing that they would have put on her.

After that day I didn't think I wanted to try again.  I was so scared and it was easier to try and convince myself that I didn't want kids.  I am glad though that I changed my mind and we now have three beautiful kids that are my reason for being. 


GONE TOO SOON.
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This was a life that hardly begun
no time to find your place in the sun
no time to do all you could have done
but we loved you enough for a lifetime

No time to enjoy the world and its wealth
No time to take life down off the shelf
no time to sing the song of yourself
though you had enough love for a lifetime

Those who live long endure sadness and tears
but you'll never suffer the sorrowing years
no betrayel, no anger
no hatred, no fears
Just love, only love in your lifetime..